Where to being? So much has happened since the last blog. I guess I could start where I left off with Tenant Smoothy from my previous blog entitled, "Oh...My Bust."
Well I didn't have to evict ole Tenant Smoothy after all. He was arrested that night after being shot. Now before you react with, *GASP* OMG, its actually quite humorous as to the circumstances in which this went down. He was selling drugs, someone tried to sell him bad drugs and he threw the guy out. Well that guy got pissed, pulled out his gun and proceeded to do a perfect imitation of the Star Wars Storm Trooper effect. If you are not familiar with that, let me explain. Its where a Storm Trooper fires a million times and hits nothing. In this case, the man fired 5 in the door, 2 in the back wall, 1 in the bedroom door, one through the windowsill, and Tenant Smoothy got hit by a ricochet in the elbow. There were others in the apartment as well and not one of them was hit. Needless to say Tenant Smoothy will be gone a very very long time. Upon hearing the news, it made me think of the flight attendant SNL skit, "Buh Bye...buh bye now....buh....bye." Tenant Smoothy is just one of the many colorful characters on this street.
Another of the colorful characters is an older lady, who rides in a motorized wheel chair, and there is nothing wrong with her....physically. Miss P. is her name. You can see her driving around at maximum warp, cigarette in one hand, one leg crossed underneath her to make you think she has one leg, bumming and stealing anything she can get her hands on. She actually doesn't live on Turpin itself, but around the corner on another street. I have witnessed Miss P, drive her chair up to one of my tenant's apartment, jump out of her chair, run up to knock on the door, then quick as hell, dive back into her chair before he can get to the door. Everyone knows her game, but it is hilarious to watch. One afternoon, apparently Miss P. decided that she needed a cat. So she steals one from another tenant. Now she could have gotten away with it, however, Miss P needed cat food. So instead of buying it like everyone else, she goes back to the person she stole the cat from and asks if she can have some cat food for her cat. Of course this started World War III between the two and I had to play the United Nations Diplomat to ensure peace ensued. The peace treaty consisted of, "Miss P., give the woman her PUSSY cat back and go find your own PUSSY cat. Didn't your momma ever tell you its rude to steal someone else's PUSSY cat off of their BIG deck?" So the PUSSY cat was returned to its rightful owner and this ushered in a new era of peace LOL. Well at least for about 2 hours. Unfortunately, Miss P just moved out yesterday. Coincidentally the neighbors dog is also missing.
Another main character in this insanity is the local drunk. D.R. is his name and 4 day drinking binges are his game. Anything can happen. I was chatting with one of my tenants, when all of the sudden, a house full of furniture goes flying out of the door of D. R.'s apt piece by piece. He poked his head out of the door, shaking his finger at the furniture and yelling, "Keep your damn ass out of my house and don't ever come back!" I turned to my tenant with a mixture of confusion and amusement and asked, "Who the hell is D.R. throwing out?" My tenant giggled and replied, "No one. He is completely alone. This has been going on since 7 am this morning."
I decided that watching D. R. was probably going to be worth my while, so I decided to visit with my tenant a little longer and enjoy a nice tall glass of iced tea.
My waiting paid off. D. R. then proceeded to lug all of his shit back into his house while yelling, "If I catch the son of a bitch that threw my stuff out into the road I am gonna whip his goddamn ass."
He continued by having a very intense political debate with his empty lawn chair, yelled for some "crack whore" to quit smoking crack in his bedroom, threatened to kill the next "sommmabitch" that rings his "goddamn doorbell" that doesn't exist on these apartments, and dumping gallons and gallons of water on a non existent fire in the parking lot. So from what I took from all of this was that D.R. did a bit of spring cleaning, there is a strict "no crack smoking" rule for his bedroom, the conflict in the middle east can easily be solved with 30 gallons of Heaven Hill Whiskey and an empty lawn chair, D. R. is not a big advocate for water conservation, and my tenant makes about the best damn glass of iced tea I have had in a long time.
In amongst these characters is an elderly gentleman that drives a very small, white, pickup truck, with a handicapped tag hanging from the rearview who drives up and down Turpin 30 or more times a day. We have lovingly named this man, "Mr. Pervert". The story that I have been told by "Wiki" (Wiki is what I call my tenant who has lived down there for 12 years and knows everything about everybody...see previous blog) is that a few years ago Mr. Pervert was down on the street trying to get him a piece of ass. Mr. Pervert did indeed score that night as well as the chick giving him "geriatric oral therapy" when she proceeded to rob him for everything he had. SO I guess this is kind of one of those ghost stories where it ends in...And to this day the poor man can be seen driving up and down the road looking for the hooker that stole his heart as well as his wallet.
Between the cast of characters on the street and the heat, the insanity grows in leaps and bounds. If you are ever in town, give me a buzz, bring your lawn chair and a cooler, and come on down.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Best Prank Phone Call I Have EVER Gotten
Below is a link to some voicemails that I received today. If you have been reading my blog then you know I am a property manager and I have brothers in the military. My phone had turned itself off. When I turned it back on, my Marine brother had left me 6 hilarious voicemails. Enjoy. PS. WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW
CLICK HERE TO VIEW
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Oh....My Bust
If you have read my other blogs, then you know what I do for a living. If not, here is a short recap. I own a property management company. Some of my properties are in a very run down part of my fair city and lets just say....active. **Please note that the names of some of the individuals involved have been changed to protect...well who knows.**
The weather for the past 2 weeks have been beautiful here in Richmond, Kentucky. Plants are starting to sprout from the ground, trees are budding, birds are singing, drug dealing down on Turpin is booming. This also means that I am either calling the police or running around like a headless chicken.
Last week, which was the first of the month, I decided that I was tired of chasing down everyone for their rent. I opened a PO Box at our local UPS store so my tenants could just drop their rent off at a central location. This required me to make a flyer, explaining in great detail where, what, how, and why they need to use this box. The second step in this endeavour required me to take the flyer's and deliver them to each and every tenant on the street and answer any questions about this new procedure. While passing out said flyers all hell broke loose.
As I approached one of my buildings, I noticed a black car that was involved in an incident the week before. That incident is sooo recockulous, (because it goes beyond ridiculous) that it absolutely does not deserve to be retold. I walked up the rusty metal stairs of one of the buildings and knocked on the door of "Tenant Smoothy". The door flies open and this guy, who was not the tenant, just stares at me. I cleared my throat and explained to the gentleman who I was and that he needed to give this flyer to "Tenant Smoothy". He snatched the flyer out of my hand and slammed the door in my face. I thought...yep, here we go. Since I didn't recognize the very welcoming and warm gentleman, I decided to go down to the apartment below and ask that tenant if he knew who the other guy was. The tenant that I was asking this information has lived on the street for 12 years and knows everybody and everything. I like to call him the "The Wiki of Turpin Dr." I step into "Wiki"'s apartment for the information exchange. He had never seen that guy before. That started to worry me a bit. All of the sudden "Wiki"'s ceiling starts rumbling, the fixtures begin to shake, screaming and yelling can be heard from the apartment above. I peeked my head out of the door and looked at the balcony above. I couldn't see anything but there was a hellacious fight going on. I immediately grabbed my phone and called the good ole Police. The dispatcher asks me how many people are there and I reply, "I am assuming more than one." She then asks me if they are armed. I reply, "I am sorry, I didn't have a chance to ask them nor do I plan to. All I know is that its a big fight, probably over drugs and it would be wise for you all to get down here before someone gets shot." She tells me they will send a unit. Now I know what you are thinking, "Damn...did you have to be such a smart ass to the police?" Let me explain...if its on Turpin...they don't take it seriously. Therefore, my attitude towards the police department.
Well hell, "Tenant Smoothy" pulls up and gets out of a car. He looks upstairs, then looks at me. I yell, "WTF is goin on?" He replies, "I don't know," and takes off running up the stairs. A few minutes pass and 4 cruisers pull up. Now at this point, "Wiki" and I are giggling like 2 little kids. Two of the officers go up to the apartment where the altercation was taking place and two stayed down on the ground. I recognized one of the police officers as one who had worked with my dad before he retired from the PD. He looked at me and gave me that "Whasup" head nod. I just smiled back.
One of the younger cops, who I will call, "Officer Needstogetagrip", comes down from the apartment upstairs with the flyer snatcher, door slammer. That guy has a huge whelp on the side of his head and his chin was split. I glanced over to "Wiki" and said "DAMN." "Wiki" giggled and replied, "HA HA HA asshole got his ass whooped." The officers proceeded to do the field sobriety test. Then, "Officer Needstogetagrip" comes over to me and asks if I saw who "whooped him". I stated to the officer that I didn't see the fight...that I heard it. Then one of the kids playing in the street yells, "THERE IS SOMEONE CLIMBIN OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!" So the cops take off behind the building. I peek my head around the corner and see this black gentlemen, pants hanging down, boxers exposed, running like he was qualifying for the Drug Running Olympics. The cops are running around like Keystone Cops. Needless to say...they didn't catch him.
Then this crazy woman, who likes to stand out on the street and preach, and also calls me the right hand of Satan because I house these people, pulls up and gets out of her car and walks over to the insanity. I am thinking, "Oh this is perfect". She starts yelling some sort of religious crap and yelling at "Tenant Smoothy". Apparently crazy woman is "Tenant Smoothy's" baby's momma and heard on her police scanner that the police were at his house. She decided to come check it out.
I yelled at her to get in her car and go home. She turns around and yells, "GOD BLESS YA." Over and over as she gets in her car and leaves. "Officer Needstogetagrip" totally ignores me when I try to tell him that the black car, that was involved in the incident a week before was around right before they pulled up. So I decided to tell the older officer, the one that used to work with dad, about it.
So the crowd that has gathered stated to disperse. I walked across the street to continue handing out my flyers. A couple of the officers were still around. "Officer Needstogetagrip" approached me and said, "You need to get into your fucking car and leave." I was taken back a bit and replied, "Excuse me?" He said, "You are wandering around here meddling in every ones business and you need to leave." Well that got my blood boiling. I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Listen, I am the fucking Property Manager. It is my business to meddle in other peoples business." Then the older officer tells him to back off.
Now I had to tell you that story to tell you this one.
"Tenant Smoothy" assured me that he dropped off his rent at the UPS store. Well my husband happens to work there as his second job. I called my husband and he tells me that no one has dropped anything off in the past 2 days. So "Tenant Smoothy" is lying to me. I decided that I need to confront him. I drove down to the properties and saw 4 cars and 5 or 6 people, including "Tenant Smoothy" standing around. I then witnessed 2 cars pull up and little white baggies and money exchange hands. So I called the police. They drove by and then kept driving. They didn't stop. Well I am not a complete idiot and I am pretty sure that I am not bulletproof. I decided that I will call my dad and ask him to come with me to confront this guy. He said that he would meet me down there. Dad pulls up and I hopped into his truck and we proceeded to head down the street. Dad asks me, "Now who is the guy that we need to confront?" All I got out was "Tenant Smoothy"'s first name and dad completed the last name. He stopped the truck and looked over at me and said, "Jessica why in the hell did you rent to him?" I said, "Dad I have to abide by the Fair Housing Laws." Dad replies, "Do you know who he is?" I shook my head. Dad said, "Jessica, I put him in prison...not jail... prison 3 times and he has "So and So"'s (another officer dad used to work with) bullet in him." I hung my head, took a deep breath and said, " Oh....my bust. I didn't know." He said, " Well now you do. We need to get him out of there."
You can't make this shit up. So luckily "Tenant Smoothy" hasn't paid his rent so I can evict him. I will let you know how that goes.
The weather for the past 2 weeks have been beautiful here in Richmond, Kentucky. Plants are starting to sprout from the ground, trees are budding, birds are singing, drug dealing down on Turpin is booming. This also means that I am either calling the police or running around like a headless chicken.
Last week, which was the first of the month, I decided that I was tired of chasing down everyone for their rent. I opened a PO Box at our local UPS store so my tenants could just drop their rent off at a central location. This required me to make a flyer, explaining in great detail where, what, how, and why they need to use this box. The second step in this endeavour required me to take the flyer's and deliver them to each and every tenant on the street and answer any questions about this new procedure. While passing out said flyers all hell broke loose.
As I approached one of my buildings, I noticed a black car that was involved in an incident the week before. That incident is sooo recockulous, (because it goes beyond ridiculous) that it absolutely does not deserve to be retold. I walked up the rusty metal stairs of one of the buildings and knocked on the door of "Tenant Smoothy". The door flies open and this guy, who was not the tenant, just stares at me. I cleared my throat and explained to the gentleman who I was and that he needed to give this flyer to "Tenant Smoothy". He snatched the flyer out of my hand and slammed the door in my face. I thought...yep, here we go. Since I didn't recognize the very welcoming and warm gentleman, I decided to go down to the apartment below and ask that tenant if he knew who the other guy was. The tenant that I was asking this information has lived on the street for 12 years and knows everybody and everything. I like to call him the "The Wiki of Turpin Dr." I step into "Wiki"'s apartment for the information exchange. He had never seen that guy before. That started to worry me a bit. All of the sudden "Wiki"'s ceiling starts rumbling, the fixtures begin to shake, screaming and yelling can be heard from the apartment above. I peeked my head out of the door and looked at the balcony above. I couldn't see anything but there was a hellacious fight going on. I immediately grabbed my phone and called the good ole Police. The dispatcher asks me how many people are there and I reply, "I am assuming more than one." She then asks me if they are armed. I reply, "I am sorry, I didn't have a chance to ask them nor do I plan to. All I know is that its a big fight, probably over drugs and it would be wise for you all to get down here before someone gets shot." She tells me they will send a unit. Now I know what you are thinking, "Damn...did you have to be such a smart ass to the police?" Let me explain...if its on Turpin...they don't take it seriously. Therefore, my attitude towards the police department.
Well hell, "Tenant Smoothy" pulls up and gets out of a car. He looks upstairs, then looks at me. I yell, "WTF is goin on?" He replies, "I don't know," and takes off running up the stairs. A few minutes pass and 4 cruisers pull up. Now at this point, "Wiki" and I are giggling like 2 little kids. Two of the officers go up to the apartment where the altercation was taking place and two stayed down on the ground. I recognized one of the police officers as one who had worked with my dad before he retired from the PD. He looked at me and gave me that "Whasup" head nod. I just smiled back.
One of the younger cops, who I will call, "Officer Needstogetagrip", comes down from the apartment upstairs with the flyer snatcher, door slammer. That guy has a huge whelp on the side of his head and his chin was split. I glanced over to "Wiki" and said "DAMN." "Wiki" giggled and replied, "HA HA HA asshole got his ass whooped." The officers proceeded to do the field sobriety test. Then, "Officer Needstogetagrip" comes over to me and asks if I saw who "whooped him". I stated to the officer that I didn't see the fight...that I heard it. Then one of the kids playing in the street yells, "THERE IS SOMEONE CLIMBIN OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!" So the cops take off behind the building. I peek my head around the corner and see this black gentlemen, pants hanging down, boxers exposed, running like he was qualifying for the Drug Running Olympics. The cops are running around like Keystone Cops. Needless to say...they didn't catch him.
Then this crazy woman, who likes to stand out on the street and preach, and also calls me the right hand of Satan because I house these people, pulls up and gets out of her car and walks over to the insanity. I am thinking, "Oh this is perfect". She starts yelling some sort of religious crap and yelling at "Tenant Smoothy". Apparently crazy woman is "Tenant Smoothy's" baby's momma and heard on her police scanner that the police were at his house. She decided to come check it out.
I yelled at her to get in her car and go home. She turns around and yells, "GOD BLESS YA." Over and over as she gets in her car and leaves. "Officer Needstogetagrip" totally ignores me when I try to tell him that the black car, that was involved in the incident a week before was around right before they pulled up. So I decided to tell the older officer, the one that used to work with dad, about it.
So the crowd that has gathered stated to disperse. I walked across the street to continue handing out my flyers. A couple of the officers were still around. "Officer Needstogetagrip" approached me and said, "You need to get into your fucking car and leave." I was taken back a bit and replied, "Excuse me?" He said, "You are wandering around here meddling in every ones business and you need to leave." Well that got my blood boiling. I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Listen, I am the fucking Property Manager. It is my business to meddle in other peoples business." Then the older officer tells him to back off.
Now I had to tell you that story to tell you this one.
"Tenant Smoothy" assured me that he dropped off his rent at the UPS store. Well my husband happens to work there as his second job. I called my husband and he tells me that no one has dropped anything off in the past 2 days. So "Tenant Smoothy" is lying to me. I decided that I need to confront him. I drove down to the properties and saw 4 cars and 5 or 6 people, including "Tenant Smoothy" standing around. I then witnessed 2 cars pull up and little white baggies and money exchange hands. So I called the police. They drove by and then kept driving. They didn't stop. Well I am not a complete idiot and I am pretty sure that I am not bulletproof. I decided that I will call my dad and ask him to come with me to confront this guy. He said that he would meet me down there. Dad pulls up and I hopped into his truck and we proceeded to head down the street. Dad asks me, "Now who is the guy that we need to confront?" All I got out was "Tenant Smoothy"'s first name and dad completed the last name. He stopped the truck and looked over at me and said, "Jessica why in the hell did you rent to him?" I said, "Dad I have to abide by the Fair Housing Laws." Dad replies, "Do you know who he is?" I shook my head. Dad said, "Jessica, I put him in prison...not jail... prison 3 times and he has "So and So"'s (another officer dad used to work with) bullet in him." I hung my head, took a deep breath and said, " Oh....my bust. I didn't know." He said, " Well now you do. We need to get him out of there."
You can't make this shit up. So luckily "Tenant Smoothy" hasn't paid his rent so I can evict him. I will let you know how that goes.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Where the Other Insanity Resides
All of my other blogs are located at the address below. Please note that the newer one are at the top and the older ones are at the bottom. To understand the insanity...one must start from the bottom.
Have Fun Reading
Have Fun Reading
25 Random Things About Myself
1) I love the beach, however, I am scared to death of the ocean.
2) I am extremely uncomfortable in situations where I am not in control of my fate, destiny, or life. (ie air travel...etc)
3) I have a very warped sense of humour but its a great one.
4) I look like an athlete in the special olympics when I play the Wii.
5) I have a very difficult time functioning when my brothers are off to war. I protected them most of their lives and it causes me to pace and have many a sleepless nights when they are off to war and I can't protect them there. Call me crazy.
6) One of my favorite sounds is the laughter of my boys.
7) I am known to break out in a random dance or song at anytime...or anywhere.
8) I am extremely blunt, untactful, and say exactly what I am thinking. I get into a lot of trouble for it.
9) I hate winter. Global warming is a myth in my opinion.
10) I do not believe in organized religion. That doesn't make me wrong or right...its my belief.
11) I have seen the art of armpit farts perfected using a bendy straw tucked under the armpit. Its hilarious.
12) Making other people laugh....makes my day awesome.
13) I talk to myself all the time. Just ignore me.
14) I am seriously contemplating writing a book....I just don't know where to begin.
15) One of my favorite metaphors is : She had a deep, throaty laugh, like that sound a dog makes right before it throws up.
16) I take time out of every day to look at the sky...day or night.
17) I have a great talent for projecting this very confident, secure, stong woman on the outside. However, on the inside I am a completely opposite.
18) I am a closet Star Wars geek. Don't tell anyone. I don't want people to think I am a loser.
19) I have my tongue pierced and I think its effing cool LOL.
20) Believe it or not I have a thing for British accents....which my Aussie husband thinks is hilarious. Just ask him.
21) I try to be honest, do the right thing, and be a good person.
22) I hate surprises. Christmas kills me when it comes to gifts. I have to know now and I can't wait to give you your gift.
23) My brother Kenny, the Marine, is a cross between Jim Carey and Clint Eastwood. He can call, write, e-mail me from anywhere in the world and make my day.
24) The phrase "Rubber Nipples" always puts me in stiches. I am dying laughing as we speak just because I thought about it.
25) After this thing, someone is going to read this and think that I need therapy.
2) I am extremely uncomfortable in situations where I am not in control of my fate, destiny, or life. (ie air travel...etc)
3) I have a very warped sense of humour but its a great one.
4) I look like an athlete in the special olympics when I play the Wii.
5) I have a very difficult time functioning when my brothers are off to war. I protected them most of their lives and it causes me to pace and have many a sleepless nights when they are off to war and I can't protect them there. Call me crazy.
6) One of my favorite sounds is the laughter of my boys.
7) I am known to break out in a random dance or song at anytime...or anywhere.
8) I am extremely blunt, untactful, and say exactly what I am thinking. I get into a lot of trouble for it.
9) I hate winter. Global warming is a myth in my opinion.
10) I do not believe in organized religion. That doesn't make me wrong or right...its my belief.
11) I have seen the art of armpit farts perfected using a bendy straw tucked under the armpit. Its hilarious.
12) Making other people laugh....makes my day awesome.
13) I talk to myself all the time. Just ignore me.
14) I am seriously contemplating writing a book....I just don't know where to begin.
15) One of my favorite metaphors is : She had a deep, throaty laugh, like that sound a dog makes right before it throws up.
16) I take time out of every day to look at the sky...day or night.
17) I have a great talent for projecting this very confident, secure, stong woman on the outside. However, on the inside I am a completely opposite.
18) I am a closet Star Wars geek. Don't tell anyone. I don't want people to think I am a loser.
19) I have my tongue pierced and I think its effing cool LOL.
20) Believe it or not I have a thing for British accents....which my Aussie husband thinks is hilarious. Just ask him.
21) I try to be honest, do the right thing, and be a good person.
22) I hate surprises. Christmas kills me when it comes to gifts. I have to know now and I can't wait to give you your gift.
23) My brother Kenny, the Marine, is a cross between Jim Carey and Clint Eastwood. He can call, write, e-mail me from anywhere in the world and make my day.
24) The phrase "Rubber Nipples" always puts me in stiches. I am dying laughing as we speak just because I thought about it.
25) After this thing, someone is going to read this and think that I need therapy.
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